Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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