Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
