I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
