Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
