I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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