I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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