proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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