literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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