so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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