I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
