so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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