that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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