I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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