Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
