I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
