my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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