and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i think i have two assholes
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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