I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
why didn't you poke me back
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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