is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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