you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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