i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
