This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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