So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
