life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You are the jesus of drinking
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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