people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
