anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
