i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
