yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
