im drinking this country out of the recession.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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