How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
