literally had 100 drinks last night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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