If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
