i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
