so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
