Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
