proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
