You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
