Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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