There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
