I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
how does that bad decision feel?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
