Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
