i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
