Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
