The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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