my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
