Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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