I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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