ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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