make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
