just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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