Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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